1. I heard Kermit’s voice upstairs. 

I’ve been all alone at home tonight, just reading a book, enjoying the quiet. No one here but me. But a few minutes ago, I heard singing upstairs. “I got in the house…I am in the house…It is now my house…” This voice sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. Exactly like him. I shouted, “Who’s there?” The voice did not respond. It just kept singing. But then, I shouted, “…Kermit the Frog?” and immediately, the voice stopped, and I heard fast, light footsteps, and a door slam. Either a stranger who sounds exactly like Kermit the Frog has broken into my house, or Kermit the Frog is a real, sentient being, and he has broken into my house. I don’t know which situation would be preferable.

2. Miss Piggy is standing stock still in my front yard right now.

It’s her. Miss Piggy. She’s here. I’m looking out my living room window as I speak, and there she is. Standing under the oak tree in my yard, just…staring. Directly at my home. And breathing sort of heavily. I cannot think of a single reason Miss Piggy would be in my yard unless she knew Kermit was inside my house. If I know anything about Kermit, it’s that wherever he is, Miss Piggy wants to be there too. She wants him. I mean, first I hear a Kermit-like voice upstairs, then Miss Piggy’s in my yard…I’m just putting two and two together. I think Kermit’s very close to me right now. I really do.

3. My neighbor just called to give me a heads up about “some sorta green, singing raccoon crawling around on [my] roof.”

Green, check…size of a raccoon, check…sounds like Kermit, yeah? And look, as far as I know Kermit doesn’t crawl around on all fours—he’s not like that, he’s more of, like, a guy—but I get a call like this right after hearing a Kermit voice upstairs and seeing Miss Piggy in my yard? What am I supposed to think, this is all a coincidence? No way. Everything in my body is telling me Kermit’s here. I don’t know what room he’s in now, but he’s here. I’m going to be okay, right? Right?

4. I found a shed exoskeleton shaped like Kermit’s body hanging halfway through the dog door in my kitchen.

Wasn’t me, my family, or my dog who shed that thing. Nope. It’s like a beige, deflated Kermit the Frog balloon. And it’s warm. This thing was shed here, and recently. It’s like he slid out of his old skin halfway through the dog door and kept moving. By all indications Kermit is real, he is molting, and he’s doing it in my house. You ask me? Very, very low odds that it’s somebody else in here. All signs are pointing to Kermit the Frog. Yup, I’m all but convinced Kermit’s currently somewhere within the walls of my home. Don’t know what he wants or why he chose my place, but I’m grabbing a knife just in case.

So much yes!

Starting this week, as soon as a DoorDash drivers accepts your order, you can rest assured that your food will be delivered no matter what tragedy might befall your driver. According to the company, if a driver dies at any point in the order process, their next of kin will immediately be summoned to get your purchase to your door at no extra cost to you. Better yet, if the driver’s next of kin is more than 30 minutes late (which, let’s face it, might happen, especially if the next of kin lives out of state) you will receive a 100 percent refund on your order, which will come directly out of the deceased driver’s account!

DoorDash has seriously come through with this one! This policy applies to life threatening injuries as well, so don’t panic that there’s some loophole where you won’t get the food because your driver is only on life support. No matter what happens to your driver—car accident, sudden heart attack, drive-by shooting—DoorDash will make sure you get your Pad Thai without ever stepping foot outside.

Other. delivery companies should be taking notes, because this is customer service at its best!

1. Sea Lamprey (Petromyzon marinus)

One thing I noticed as soon as I walked into Lael’s house was that the place is absolutely full of sea lamprey. Sea lamprey are huge, gross parasitic worms that are native to some lakes in the northeastern United States. Lael’s place is in Pasadena, California, but for some reason there were sea lamprey writhing on the floor and swimming around solo in individual glasses of water and Prosecco scattered throughout the house. Trying to ignore them, I handed Maya my baby shower gift, which was a football autographed by horror writer Stephen King. Maya said, “What is my baby supposed to do with this?” and I said, “Look at it and think about football and monsters.”

2. Cypress Aphid (Cinara cupressi)

Apparently a giant population of cypress aphids made its way from some nearby trees directly into Maya’s baby shower. These things are absolutely everywhere. They’re flying around and getting in people’s eyeballs. We were playing that baby shower game where you open your mouth as wide as you can and whoever has the biggest mouth size has to give the baby its first haircut, and the whole time all these bugs kept flying in there. We couldn’t measure anyone’s mouths and so now the baby’s just going to never get its first haircut from anyone. Maya said, “You have all failed me and my future calf,” and Lael said, “It’s not our fault. We can’t play the game because of the aphids,” and Maya said, “That’s your explanation for everything, Lael. It’s always the aphids with you.”

3. Prussian Carp (Carassius gibelio)

It’s pretty much impossible to take a single step in this house without smushing a Prussian carp that’s flopping around on the floor. There are also several dozen swimming in Lael’s toilet. Maya keeps asking Lael to “sweep up the fish” and Lael keeps saying, “That is not my job. My job is to feel amazing every day.” At one point Maya said, “These fish are going to foul up my future calf,” so Lael groaned and said, “Fine I’ll take care of the fish,” and left her house carrying a big net.

4. Siberian Weasel (Mustela sibirica)

A few minutes later, Lael came back into the house with her big net filled with Siberian weasels. She said to Maya, “These losers will eat the fish you hate so much, your majesty” and she let the Siberian weasels loose in the house. Now the house is filled with Siberian weasels and it doesn’t really seem like they’re doing a great job controlling the Prussian carp population. I guess they’re eating some of them, but they’re mostly eating all the baby-themed snacks we put out for Maya, including her cake. They’re also eating some of the species native to Lael’s house, like the cobras and the foxes. Now Maya is complaining that there aren’t enough cobras at her baby shower, and the Siberian weasel population has basically tripled in the past hour. The whole thing is becoming a big mess.

5. Hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius)

On top of all the other tribulations, there is a gigantic hippopotamus walking around Maya’s baby shower biting people and smelling bad and causing difficulties for everyone. Maya keeps muttering, “My future calf better be twice that big,” and when Lael tried to chase the hippo out of the house with a broom Maya told her to let it stay because “I can feel the hippo’s breath turning my future calf into a genius.” So the hippo isn’t supposed to be here, but we’re letting it stay, and it’s stomping around smushing all the carp and sea lampreys, and the weasels are dying and the aphids are eating the weasels and basically Maya’s baby shower is a huge headache for everyone involved. But as long as Maya’s having a good time, that’s all that matters.

Yikes. It seems pretty clear that United has fully run out of travel vouchers.

Shortly after United flight 2078 began boarding, the airline employee working the gate for the flight from New York to Miami made an announcement that the plane was overbooked and that any volunteers who gave up their seats would get to hear “a deeply personal and dark truth that [he had] never divulged to anyone before.” According to the gate agent, this secret was “scandalous” and “very interesting for people who are interested in [his] life.”

It definitely seems like United is scraping the bottom of the barrel here, although you’ve got to admit, it would be pretty cool to know this guy’s secret.

Unfortunately, after nearly two hours, no volunteers have stepped up to exchange their spots on the flight. The gate agent has tried to sweeten the deal by announcing that the secret is “about a bad thing I did, and the thing I did to the man who saw me do it,” but even with this extra information, nobody has been enticed. Either everyone on this flight really wants to get to Miami as soon as possible, or they’re not particularly interested in the dark and unspoken truths concealed in this man’s soul. Whichever it is, the flight has now become severely delayed.

“If you knew this secret, you would never look at me or Patrick the same way ever again,” the gate agent recently announced, without clarifying who Patrick was and what role he played in the secret. “Once you hear what I’ve got to confess, you’ll absolutely agree that it was worth catching a later flight to Florida.”

You’d think that plenty of passengers would be interested in picking up a juicy piece of gossip about a guy and a thing he did with Patrick, but sadly that just isn’t the case! It’s unclear if this flight is ever going to leave.

Just two minutes ago, the gate agent announced that he would also tell anyone who gave up their seat who he has a crush on. “I’ve never told anyone about the secret love I feel for this person,” the gate agent announced. “I won’t say who it is unless you give up your seat, but if you want a hint, they work right here in this airport.” Unfortunately, this additional incentive failed to move anyone. Even if some passengers are interested in hearing this guy’s secret or learning who he has a crush on, nobody seems to think it’s worth changing their travel schedule for. Here’s hoping that someone finally decides to hear the deeply personal, long-concealed things this guy has to say, or all these passengers are going to stuck in the airport for a long, long time.

Enjoy that bottle full of disappointment you got there. Ugh…how many days are left on this trip again?

This is what you get for trying to do the right thing for your budget and the environment: a stainless steel canteen filled with 25 ounces of tap water that’s just…not the same. Because you’ve grown so accustomed to your home state’s tap water, each taste of this other state’s faucet bullshit triggers a little Pavlovian response in your tastebuds that causes you to fixate on how this water is not the water you’re used to. Honestly, it’d be preferable if this state’s tap water were dangerous to drink, like it is in foreign countries, where you’d straight up have to avoid it so you wouldn’t get diarrhea or a tapeworm. But it’s not. It’s just non-thirst-quenching mid-water that’s different from your home water in a way you can’t help but note every time it hits your tongue.

Each sip of this out-of-state water requires a small-but-tangible degree of willpower to get through, knowing it’s only going to coat your mouth with a taste your brain can’t stop comparing to your home’s tap water. In fact, a part of you has been distracted by it throughout your entire travel itinerary so far. Here you are, trying to explore a new city with a group of old friends you only get to see every so often, finding half your attention fixed on the unforgettable views, and the other half thinking, “Locals really drink this crap? It’s like…stale. I don’t even want to get used to this tap water.”

If this is the price you have to pay to stay hydrated, it’s just not worth it. It just isn’t.

Fuck it, you’re buying ten convenience store bottles of Poland Spring the next time you get a chance. You tried. Sorry, ecosystem. God, it’s going to feel so good to scrub away the taste of this out-of-state tap water from your water bottle once you’re back home. This stuff is absolutely disgusting.

Wow. This is so heartbreaking. 

When your friend invited you out to dinner this evening, you immediately agreed, assuming you’d be going to a place with reasonable prices for a Tuesday night. Unfortunately, though, it seems like you and your friend are working under entirely different assumptions about what a normal, casual weekday dinner should cost, because all of the entrees at this place are $22-$32, with most of the good ones sitting around $28 per plate.

Goddammit. See, this is the problem with having friends in different tax brackets. 

Although this restaurant’s pricing is considered “$$” by both Google Maps and Yelp, which you and your friend can likely agree is a solid barometer for a kind of nice restaurant to chat in for 90 minutes, this place is obviously not “$$” proper and is more like “$$”/”$$$” cusp. And since your preference is actually “$”/”$$” cusp, the entire experience is seriously testing how much you even like this friend.

It’s not like it’s their birthday, or their parent recently died and you feel bad or something. It’s just a Tuesday. There’s no reason you should be shelling out practically $50 at the end of the night if you order drinks, which your friend is almost definitely going to want to do.

Ugh. This isn’t a big enough deal to suggest a different place instead, because you’d have to pick up all your stuff and leave, and you’d only end up saving a few bucks at the end of the day. But next time, make sure you’re the one who picks the restaurant, because this one is absolutely ridiculous.

But as Jesse Eisenberg turned out the door, he heard his roommate Chipmunk squeal in distress.

Jesse Eisenberg sighed. There was always some kind of problem with Chipmunk: underpaid taxes, delayed biopsy results, the various complications that arise from poor reading comprehension. Jesse Eisenberg turned back into the apartment.

“Everything okay, Chipmunk?”

Chipmunk darted out from his burrow inside a kitchen cabinet and began sprinting around the combination kitchen/living room/bedroom. The apartment was a junior one-bedroom, more of a studio, really, which was plenty of space for a 5’7” man and a five-inch rodent.

Chipmunk ran between the couch cushions, shrieking, “WHERE THE CRAP IS IT!!!??!”

“Where is what, Chipmunk?” Jesse Eisenberg said as he realized this ordeal was definitely going to make him late for work. “Use the vocab words we’ve been working on.”

“Where the AUDACIOUS is my acorn?!?!?!?!!!!” Chipmunk shouted.

“Not what ‘audacious’ means,” Jesse Eisenberg said.

“MY ACORN! Are you even hearing me, Jesse Eisenberg?” Chipmunk shouted. “MY ACORN IS MISSING!”

“Your acorn?” Jesse Eisenberg asked.

“I SAID IT! I SAID YOU WEREN’T LISTENING, JESSE EISENBERG!”

Chipmunk’s “acorn” was a completely normal acorn he’d found in Central Park the previous fall. In the time since, he’d grown deeply attached to it, and because it was summer, there were no new acorns with which to replace it. Jesse Eisenberg suspected the acorn functioned as both a surrogate mother and child for Chipmunk, though Jesse Eisenberg had only finished half of the requirements in his psychology BA program at Hunter College.

“Why don’t you check your burrow?” Jesse Eisenberg suggested. “The last time your acorn was missing, remember where it was? Your burrow.”

“I already checked my burrow, Jesse Eisenberg! It’s not there!”

Jesse Eisenberg struggled to believe this was true, but as he bent down and sorted through the mess of twigs and leaves under the sink, he had to admit that Chipmunk was right.

“Told ya,” Chipmunk said. “SO WHERE THE CRAP IS IT!?!?!?!!?”

Chipmunk started sprinting around the room again, this time leaving a trail of scat behind him.

“Oh God, Chipmunk!” Jesse Eisenberg said.

“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY,” Chipmunk cried. “I’M DISTRESSED! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I’M DISTRESSED.”

“Let’s get you outside.”

While Chipmunk released the rest of his scat directly onto the sidewalk—which Jesse Eisenberg knew was only a marginally better place for it than inside his own apartment—Jesse Eisenberg texted his boss.

Jesse Eisenberg: hey man gonna be late today. Having roommate issues. Many apologies

Amin (BOSS): all good brother

Jesse Eisenberg: 

Together, Jesse Eisenberg and Chipmunk took off toward the Times Square M&M’s store—the last place Chipmunk could remember having his acorn. They’d gone yesterday for some blue M&M’s, as it had been Chipmunk’s night to cook and he had chosen to make blue M&M’s stew.

“I won’t be able to sleep tonight without my acorn,” Chipmunk said. “I need to hold it in my hands.”

“But if you left it at M&M’s World yesterday, that means you already did sleep without your acorn.”

Chipmunk refused to acknowledge this reality. “I can’t sleep unless I have my acorn.”

But things at the M&M’s store didn’t go so well. Chipmunk was quickly escorted outside by security after he jumped inside the vat of blue M&M’s, and to add insult to injury, he wasn’t even given one of the complimentary fun size packs of M&M’s on his way out.

On the street, Chipmunk began to cry. “Now I’ll never be able to fall asleep! I couldn’t be more audacious right now!”

Jesse Eisenberg sighed. “Not what that word means.”

They walked back uptown in silence, until Chipmunk looked up at him sheepishly.

“I need a few more days on rent.”

Jesse Eisenberg nodded. “That’s okay,” he said. Chipmunk had never once paid him rent, but whenever a new month began, he’d claim he was still getting the money together as though he always paid his share. All of it was okay with Jesse Eisenberg, who had quietly formed an agreement with Chipmunk’s mother that Chipmunk would stay with Jesse Eisenberg for free while she straightened herself out at the methadone clinic.

Suddenly, Jesse Eisenberg got a text.

Amin (BOSS): hey u gonna make it in?

Jesse Eisenberg: Sorry. Dont think so. Need to console chipmunk

Amin (BOSS): ??

Jesse Eisenberg: *Roommate

Jesse Eisenberg: Damn autocorrect

For various reasons, Jesse Einseberg had chosen not to tell his co-workers that he lives with a chipmunk.

Amin (BOSS): sounds good brother

Amin (BOSS): Finally saw Adventureland last night btw. HILARIOUS

As Jesse Eisenberg and Chipmunk walked along Central Park West, they passed a woman in a jacket that read “VOLUNTEER” pruning a shrub. Chipmunk stopped for a moment with a curious glint in his eye. “Maybe if I can’t have my acorn,” Chipmunk said, “I could at least have an acorn.”

Chipmunk approached the woman. “Excuse me,” he asked. “Does the park have any acorns?”

“No, not yet,” the woman replied, adding, “And we’ll have them later than ever this fall due to climate change.”

“Climate change?” Chipmunk asked as Jesse Eisenberg buried his face in his hands. Just two nights ago Jesse Eisenberg spent twenty minutes telling Chipmunk about climate change while teaching him the vocab word “emissions.”

“Climate change refers to long term shifts and weather patterns, primarily as a result of the burning of fossil fuels,” said the woman.

“WHAT?” shouted Chipmunk. “I have to wait MONTHS for another acorn?!! ALL BECAUSE OF STUPID CLIMATE CHANGE?”

“Climate change is not stupid,” said the woman. “It’s awesome! Fewer winter deaths, higher temperatures to support oil drilling, and a warming, rising ocean—can anyone say BEACH PARTY?”

“Whoa!” exclaimed Chipmunk. “So it’s actually really cool that I can’t get another acorn for three more months, even though this region would typically have acorns by now?”

“Yes,” said the woman. “It’s really, really cool!”

“But what if I can’t sleep without my acorn?”

“You’re how old? Three years, four?”

“Three.”

“Then you need to grow up. You’re fine. Be audacious.”

“Audacious,” said Chipmunk. “Yes.”

And although Jesse Eisenberg was going to have to do some serious work to try to explain to Chipmunk that climate change is not good, not good at all, he couldn’t help but smile. Chipmunk really was audacious.

Together, Chipmunk and Jesse Eisenberg returned to their junior one-bedroom, where Chipmunk proceeded to sleep through the night without his acorn.

The end.