1. I heard Kermit’s voice upstairs. 

I’ve been all alone at home tonight, just reading a book, enjoying the quiet. No one here but me. But a few minutes ago, I heard singing upstairs. “I got in the house…I am in the house…It is now my house…” This voice sounded exactly like Kermit the Frog. Exactly like him. I shouted, “Who’s there?” The voice did not respond. It just kept singing. But then, I shouted, “…Kermit the Frog?” and immediately, the voice stopped, and I heard fast, light footsteps, and a door slam. Either a stranger who sounds exactly like Kermit the Frog has broken into my house, or Kermit the Frog is a real, sentient being, and he has broken into my house. I don’t know which situation would be preferable.

2. Miss Piggy is standing stock still in my front yard right now.

It’s her. Miss Piggy. She’s here. I’m looking out my living room window as I speak, and there she is. Standing under the oak tree in my yard, just…staring. Directly at my home. And breathing sort of heavily. I cannot think of a single reason Miss Piggy would be in my yard unless she knew Kermit was inside my house. If I know anything about Kermit, it’s that wherever he is, Miss Piggy wants to be there too. She wants him. I mean, first I hear a Kermit-like voice upstairs, then Miss Piggy’s in my yard…I’m just putting two and two together. I think Kermit’s very close to me right now. I really do.

3. My neighbor just called to give me a heads up about “some sorta green, singing raccoon crawling around on [my] roof.”

Green, check…size of a raccoon, check…sounds like Kermit, yeah? And look, as far as I know Kermit doesn’t crawl around on all fours—he’s not like that, he’s more of, like, a guy—but I get a call like this right after hearing a Kermit voice upstairs and seeing Miss Piggy in my yard? What am I supposed to think, this is all a coincidence? No way. Everything in my body is telling me Kermit’s here. I don’t know what room he’s in now, but he’s here. I’m going to be okay, right? Right?

4. I found a shed exoskeleton shaped like Kermit’s body hanging halfway through the dog door in my kitchen.

Wasn’t me, my family, or my dog who shed that thing. Nope. It’s like a beige, deflated Kermit the Frog balloon. And it’s warm. This thing was shed here, and recently. It’s like he slid out of his old skin halfway through the dog door and kept moving. By all indications Kermit is real, he is molting, and he’s doing it in my house. You ask me? Very, very low odds that it’s somebody else in here. All signs are pointing to Kermit the Frog. Yup, I’m all but convinced Kermit’s currently somewhere within the walls of my home. Don’t know what he wants or why he chose my place, but I’m grabbing a knife just in case.

So much yes!

Starting this week, as soon as a DoorDash drivers accepts your order, you can rest assured that your food will be delivered no matter what tragedy might befall your driver. According to the company, if a driver dies at any point in the order process, their next of kin will immediately be summoned to get your purchase to your door at no extra cost to you. Better yet, if the driver’s next of kin is more than 30 minutes late (which, let’s face it, might happen, especially if the next of kin lives out of state) you will receive a 100 percent refund on your order, which will come directly out of the deceased driver’s account!

DoorDash has seriously come through with this one! This policy applies to life threatening injuries as well, so don’t panic that there’s some loophole where you won’t get the food because your driver is only on life support. No matter what happens to your driver—car accident, sudden heart attack, drive-by shooting—DoorDash will make sure you get your Pad Thai without ever stepping foot outside.

Other. delivery companies should be taking notes, because this is customer service at its best!

Yikes. It seems pretty clear that United has fully run out of travel vouchers.

Shortly after United flight 2078 began boarding, the airline employee working the gate for the flight from New York to Miami made an announcement that the plane was overbooked and that any volunteers who gave up their seats would get to hear “a deeply personal and dark truth that [he had] never divulged to anyone before.” According to the gate agent, this secret was “scandalous” and “very interesting for people who are interested in [his] life.”

It definitely seems like United is scraping the bottom of the barrel here, although you’ve got to admit, it would be pretty cool to know this guy’s secret.

Unfortunately, after nearly two hours, no volunteers have stepped up to exchange their spots on the flight. The gate agent has tried to sweeten the deal by announcing that the secret is “about a bad thing I did, and the thing I did to the man who saw me do it,” but even with this extra information, nobody has been enticed. Either everyone on this flight really wants to get to Miami as soon as possible, or they’re not particularly interested in the dark and unspoken truths concealed in this man’s soul. Whichever it is, the flight has now become severely delayed.

“If you knew this secret, you would never look at me or Patrick the same way ever again,” the gate agent recently announced, without clarifying who Patrick was and what role he played in the secret. “Once you hear what I’ve got to confess, you’ll absolutely agree that it was worth catching a later flight to Florida.”

You’d think that plenty of passengers would be interested in picking up a juicy piece of gossip about a guy and a thing he did with Patrick, but sadly that just isn’t the case! It’s unclear if this flight is ever going to leave.

Just two minutes ago, the gate agent announced that he would also tell anyone who gave up their seat who he has a crush on. “I’ve never told anyone about the secret love I feel for this person,” the gate agent announced. “I won’t say who it is unless you give up your seat, but if you want a hint, they work right here in this airport.” Unfortunately, this additional incentive failed to move anyone. Even if some passengers are interested in hearing this guy’s secret or learning who he has a crush on, nobody seems to think it’s worth changing their travel schedule for. Here’s hoping that someone finally decides to hear the deeply personal, long-concealed things this guy has to say, or all these passengers are going to stuck in the airport for a long, long time.

Enjoy that bottle full of disappointment you got there. Ugh…how many days are left on this trip again?

This is what you get for trying to do the right thing for your budget and the environment: a stainless steel canteen filled with 25 ounces of tap water that’s just…not the same. Because you’ve grown so accustomed to your home state’s tap water, each taste of this other state’s faucet bullshit triggers a little Pavlovian response in your tastebuds that causes you to fixate on how this water is not the water you’re used to. Honestly, it’d be preferable if this state’s tap water were dangerous to drink, like it is in foreign countries, where you’d straight up have to avoid it so you wouldn’t get diarrhea or a tapeworm. But it’s not. It’s just non-thirst-quenching mid-water that’s different from your home water in a way you can’t help but note every time it hits your tongue.

Each sip of this out-of-state water requires a small-but-tangible degree of willpower to get through, knowing it’s only going to coat your mouth with a taste your brain can’t stop comparing to your home’s tap water. In fact, a part of you has been distracted by it throughout your entire travel itinerary so far. Here you are, trying to explore a new city with a group of old friends you only get to see every so often, finding half your attention fixed on the unforgettable views, and the other half thinking, “Locals really drink this crap? It’s like…stale. I don’t even want to get used to this tap water.”

If this is the price you have to pay to stay hydrated, it’s just not worth it. It just isn’t.

Fuck it, you’re buying ten convenience store bottles of Poland Spring the next time you get a chance. You tried. Sorry, ecosystem. God, it’s going to feel so good to scrub away the taste of this out-of-state tap water from your water bottle once you’re back home. This stuff is absolutely disgusting.

Wow. This is so heartbreaking. 

When your friend invited you out to dinner this evening, you immediately agreed, assuming you’d be going to a place with reasonable prices for a Tuesday night. Unfortunately, though, it seems like you and your friend are working under entirely different assumptions about what a normal, casual weekday dinner should cost, because all of the entrees at this place are $22-$32, with most of the good ones sitting around $28 per plate.

Goddammit. See, this is the problem with having friends in different tax brackets. 

Although this restaurant’s pricing is considered “$$” by both Google Maps and Yelp, which you and your friend can likely agree is a solid barometer for a kind of nice restaurant to chat in for 90 minutes, this place is obviously not “$$” proper and is more like “$$”/”$$$” cusp. And since your preference is actually “$”/”$$” cusp, the entire experience is seriously testing how much you even like this friend.

It’s not like it’s their birthday, or their parent recently died and you feel bad or something. It’s just a Tuesday. There’s no reason you should be shelling out practically $50 at the end of the night if you order drinks, which your friend is almost definitely going to want to do.

Ugh. This isn’t a big enough deal to suggest a different place instead, because you’d have to pick up all your stuff and leave, and you’d only end up saving a few bucks at the end of the day. But next time, make sure you’re the one who picks the restaurant, because this one is absolutely ridiculous.

And there you have it, folks: This is how you get straight to the point and deliver a message in as straightforward a manner as possible. 

Twenty-eight-year-old baker Jordan Williamson is cumming right now, and anyone within earshot knows it thanks to his incredibly forthright communication style. Jordan could have clouded his message by saying something like, “Here it comes,” or “I’m about to explode,” but instead he chose a laser-focused statement free of clutter and unnecessary verbiage with the simple phrase, “I’m cumming!” While his expression lacks the elegant prose style of say, “Fuck, my balls can’t hold it in anymore,” or, “Oh God, oh God, I’m gonna spray it all out,” its strength is that it is simple, effective, and doesn’t lend itself to multiple interpretations. The only possible interpretation of what Jordan is saying is that he’s cumming. 

Bravo, Jordan!

Writers, speakers, and communicators, you’d better grab your pen and paper and start taking notes, because this is as clean and succinct as speech can get. We have 100% crystal-clear insight into what Jordan is experiencing right now, and have no need to ask for further clarification on the matter. Whether you’re a teacher, a business leader, or simply someone who cums a lot, you can learn a lot about how to communicate effectively from Jordan’s demonstration of pithiness. Have fun cumming, Jordan. After everything you’ve taught us here, you deserve it.

Amazing! Where was this program when we were kids?!

From now on, kids who participate in Chick-Fil-A’s “Burn It!” program will receive a free sandwich of their choice after burning 25 books, as confirmed by their parent or guardian’s signature. But before your child starts tossing books into the fireplace, be warned that kids can’t burn just any books if they want to claim their tasty prize. Participants must choose books from a select list of fiction and nonfiction titles at their reading level that contain indecent, immoral, or wicked ideas. That way, Chick-Fil-A can be sure that participating kids are helping to stamp out the foul Godlessness and sick devil-worship that now plague our once-great nation.

This is so cool! Shout out to Chick-Fil-A for creating such an awesome new program. If you’ve got kids, you’re going to want to sign them up, STAT!