What an incredibly beautiful way to brighten those kids’ day! Hats off to you, Julian!

As of this morning, every pulse-monitoring machine at Hassenfeld Children’s Hospital at NYU Langone has been reprogrammed to emit the croons of The Strokes’ frontman instead of their usual clinical electronic tones. Sources at Hassenfeld say that Casablancas offered his raspy timbre free of charge to the pediatric medical center, and ultimately recorded several dozen varieties of soulful beeps and alerts in his signature slurred baritone, throwing in the occasional enigmatic lyric, such as, “beep…beep…dreams of you in the city, ohhh…beep.” Now, these terminally ill children’s hospital stays can be a little less scary knowing their pulse is being voiced by a living rock legend and that Julian’s soaring melodies will be the last thing they ever hear as they flatline. 

How awesome is this?!? Without a doubt, this is the coolest children’s hospital in the world.

It just doesn’t get more generous than this. All celebrities should take note, because Julian Casablancas just raised the bar for how to use one’s talent for a good cause. Props to Hassenfeld Children’s Hospital and Julian for bringing joy to kids at the time they need it most!

Awesome! What a huge win for inclusivity. 

In an effort to highlight the internal struggles that millions of Americans deal with on a daily basis, Price Is Right star Drew Carey will be stepping aside from his duties for the next month to allow Caleb Moskal, a clinically depressed 15-year-old, to host the iconic gameshow. For the first time in the show’s history, fans will be shown an authentic portrayal of a major depressive disorder, as Caleb battles despair, feelings of worthlessness, and spontaneous crying spells while interacting with contestants and announcing exciting prizes such as new cars, juicers, and trips to Aruba. It’s still unclear exactly how this will play out on air, but a commercial preview of Caleb’s hosting stint shows him lying on the studio floor with headphones in and a hoodie over his head, while contestants lead the gameplay on their own, occasionally tapping the gloomy teen on the shoulder to ask for clarification on the rules, to which Caleb only responds with a long sigh or a cry of “Leave me the fuck alone!”

“The Price Is Right has long showcased fabulous prizes and getaways during the Showcase Showdown, but for the next month, we’re going to be showcasing something much more important: teenage mental illness,” said CBS in a press release. “From its inception, The Price Is Right has been synonymous with joy, excitement, and boundless energy, but now viewers can experience truly debilitating sadness through our non-functional depressive teenage host, who, in addition to soliciting guesses for the prices of dining room sets and catamarans, will also be showing viewers the everyday realities of his mental illness, whether that involves taking SSRIs, muttering about hating life, or yelling at his mom for trying to make him eat. By featuring Caleb curled up in the fetal position and sobbing underneath The Big Wheel, we’re showing America that mental illness isn’t a ‘problem,’ but rather a normal part of the human experience.”

Amazing!

This is such a beautiful gesture by The Price Is Right. Hopefully Caleb’s mental health improves, but either way, it’s encouraging to see mental health concerns represented like this on a nationally syndicated TV show. Kudos to you, CBS!

Best of luck over there, pal. We’re pullin’ for ya!

Timothée Chalamet’s standout performances in Call Me By Your Name and Bones And All made it seem like he was headed to the top, but thanks to an unfortunate draw at today’s draft lottery, it looks like he’s headed overseas to join the U.S. military in its ongoing war against North Vietnam instead. Once he ships out for boot camp, he’ll trade his call sheets for an M16 and spend several brutal weeks learning how to shoot, dig trenches, and drive his bayonet deep into another man’s belly. You can bet his drill instructors will go extra hard on the pretty boy who carried Dune to the top of the box office, but those grueling five-mile runs and crawls under barbed wire will probably feel like a cakewalk once he gets choppered deep into the jungles of Quảng Trị province and finds himself square in the path of an NVA battalion.

It’s hard to imagine a worse place for Timothée Chalamet than the frontlines of the Vietnam War. His hunky looks might have made us swoon in his shirtless Instagram selfies, but it will make him easy pickings for Viet Cong snipers taking potshots at lightly armored infantry targets. His remarkable acting skills are also now much less likely to dazzle and delight than they are to set off landmines or impale his foot on a shit-smeared punji stick camouflaged beneath the jungle’s dense undergrowth, not to mention the various tripwires just waiting to send a spiked log crashing through his lovely cheekbones. And while his mellifluous singing voice might have been an asset if he were only there as part of a USO tour to raise troop morale, all Timothée’s pipes are going to do belting musical numbers from Wonka out in the thick of actual combat is give the NVA a better sense of which way to direct their mortar fire.

Poor guy’s probably better off just draft dodging up to Canada while he still has the chance!

It’s not just Charlie that Timothée has to worry about either, because the U.S. brass will gladly rot his chiseled body with highly toxic defoliants like Agent Orange if doing so gives them even the slightest edge in their fanatic devotion to the domino theory. Then of course there’s the non-zero chance that a disgruntled fellow soldier might try to frag Timothée, especially if their sweetheart back home sends them a Dear John letter after going gaga over Timothée’s smoldering performance in The King. And even if he manages to make it through the meat grinder of asymmetric warfare physically unscathed, it’ll still leave us feeling pretty low if the boy whose goofy smile stole our heart at the movies simply stops caring about who’s a guerrilla and who’s a civilian and gives himself over to the malign indifference at the root of all human atrocity.

Damn, this is some really disappointing news for Timothée Chalamet and his fans. Here’s hoping the Nixon administration ends this pointless war ASAP and brings our beautiful boy Timothée home!

Yikes. 

Twenty-four-year-old Jasmine Leonard of Sacramento, California has spent the past six months struggling with a terminal cancer diagnosis, and as a diehard Mr. Robot fan, she hoped desperately that she would be able to meet her favorite actor Rami Malek during her remaining time. Jasmine’s older sister wrote a Twitter post reaching out to the actor, reading, “Long shot, but my sis doesn’t have much time and a visit from Rami Malek would make her so happy. Rami, she has a poster of u and everything. Would mean the world.” The Leonard family crossed their fingers, but unfortunately, Malek responded, “Uh, ok, nice of her to ask but we def met at a Bohemian Rhapsody event in LA . Guess she forgot? Cheers to her health.”

Oof, that’s rough. This is why you have to pay attention every time you meet somebody!

Not wanting to let Jasmine down, her sister tried again, replying to Malek, “I get that, but meeting you is her final wish, so could u just come see her?” Unfortunately, it backfired once again, as Malek responded, “Right, but like…she got that wish. In 2020. She met me. She introduced herself as Jasmine from Sacramento, I’m 100% sure it was her. No offense but it’s kind of on her that she doesn’t remember me.” Saddened and disappointed, Jasmine’s sister then had to explain to her why Malek had declined her wish, and in an incredibly cringeworthy moment of realization she suddenly remembered shaking the actor’s hand and telling him that it was so nice to meet him.

Damn, that’s harsh.

Our hearts really go out to Jasmine here. Not only is she dying, but she was just made to look like a fool by her favorite celebrity. Let this be a cautionary tale to us all that when you shake hands and exchange names with someone, it’s important to commit them to memory—you never know when that information might come in handy.

Intriguing. It’s not exactly Spago, but it nonetheless appears to be a magnet for the rich and famous.

The decaying corpse of the deer, which is located in the middle of the woods, has been visibly picked over by numerous scavengers, and judging from the autographed headshots nailed to the trees around it, many of those scavengers are moderately famous pop culture figures from all corners of the entertainment industry! 

Directly above the deer is a framed picture of Lorne Michaels with the hand-written message, “I loved the meat. I feasted on this death and then went to work. – Lorne Michaels.” Right next to Michaels is a signed headshot of Rachel McAdams with the handwritten message, “I ate the neck and it tasted like a fabulous flavor.” These are just two of the dozens of pictures of well-known people who have evidently feasted on the decaying flesh of this lifeless beast in the forest, which is crawling with bugs and maggots that have been attracted by its horrific odor. 

Other celebrities who have their photos nailed to the trees around the deer carcass include Geraldo Rivera, Kristin Cavallari, Chris Kattan, and John Mellencamp, the latter of whom left a kind message reading, “Best carrion I’ve had in years! I ate its sightless eyes. Rock on! – John Cougar Mellencamp.” Perhaps most exciting, there’s a photo featuring all the members of BTS on their hands and knees tearing flesh off the dead deer’s bones with their teeth! The BTS photo is inscribed with the message, “We are the Taste The Deer generation. Remember to always have love and to sustain yourself on the decay of other life. Love, BTS.”

So cool! 

If you want to encounter a celeb, it seems all you need to do is venture deep into the forest and follow the scent of rotting flesh. And be sure to check it out soon, because chances are it won’t be long before this decomposing animal is the hottest table in town!

What a beautiful moment in music history! If anyone should have a social circle of prepubescent kids and seem physically unwell all the time like Michael Jackson, it’s Bruno Mars!

At a press conference held this morning, Bruno Mars appeared alongside an entourage of 12-year-olds to announce in a soft, effeminate voice that his new gaunt, pallid look and youthful friend group represent the legacy of the late Michael Jackson, which Mars has inherited with full approval from the Jackson estate. From now on, Bruno’s rebranded public image will be defined by his flying numerous children out across the country to go to amusement parks with him even though the only contact they’ve had is through fan mail, as well as choice to resemble a withered hospice care patient who someone keeps putting very expensive clothes on—a role that’s been left totally vacant by pop singers since the King of Pop’s passing in 2009. 

“The world will always have Michael Jackson’s music, but when he died, we lost a cultural treasure in terms of having a massively popular singer who looks like a geisha, appears unable to eat solid foods, and only feels comfortable socializing with middle school-aged children—until now,” explained a soft-spoken Bruno Mars, who then whispered some sort of inside joke to one of the 12-year-olds that made them both giggle. 

“I’m so honored to be this generation’s pale, visibly unwell singer whose stunted emotional development only allows them to bond with children. Michael Jackson left behind big shoes to fill, and with the support of my fans, I intend to do my best to be even sicker-looking and make best friends with even younger children. I’m having so much fun already!” continued Bruno, before weakly waving to the press like an effeminate mummy and then sharing a big cotton candy with a small caucasian boy dressed exactly like him. 

So cool!

It’s absolutely heartwarming to see Bruno Mars succeed Michael Jackson as the most iconic terminally ill, child-befriending, pop genius in the world. We’ll never have Michael Jackson in our lives again, but his legacy is living on in the coolest possible way. Congratulations and have fun, Bruno!

1. Plan a “world cuisine” tour in your own town.

According to the PDF titled “CLICKHOLE-STAYCATIONIDEAS1-E.WOOD” we received in a 5:57 a.m. email from mrfrodo9@msn.com, one great way to get a taste of travel without paying for airfare is to spend a week sampling all the different types of foreign food your area has to offer. Elijah typed his ideas up in bullet point format, where he specified that the restaurants could include “Indian food, Peruvian food, Ethiopian food, WHATEVER!!” and suggested that bringing “playing cards and/or dice and/or marbles” to dinner might enhance the staycation experience. Thank you for the idea, Elijah!

2. Apartment-swap with a friend for a fun change of pace.

After writing “TTYL—shooting w/Peter Dinklage atm” and hitting enter dozens of times below his first suggestion, Elijah Wood went on to detail his concept for a hometown apartment swap between friends that would “provide the ultimate AirBnb experience with all of the comfort and none of the cost.” This one was at least three pages long, as Elijah detailed hundreds of things one could do in a friend’s apartment for fun, such as “practice singing,” “dust,” and “look thru medicine cabinet and bedside table w/o permission.” We honestly don’t think the swap idea is a bad one, but once again, not sure exactly why it’s coming from Elijah Wood.

3. Create an at-home spa experience.

Elijah specified in his email that he didn’t want to be paid for his ideas and was just sending them to be helpful, but then in his at-home spa idea he recommended that people purchase something called “Elijah’s Holistic Bathtime Tonic,” which is apparently a bath blend containing essential oils, flower petals, and “secret medicines” and is made to order by the batch in Wood’s Los Angeles garage. The write-up states that a bath with Elijah’s tonic is “the perfect way to kick off a staycation weekend that will leave you refreshed, rejuvenated, and re-Elijah’ed!” So this one was pretty clearly a sneaky way to promote his side hustle.

4. Hit up Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

This one is straight up not a staycation. It seems like Elijah Wood was running out of steam when he got to number four, as it only contained two clipped bullet points, one reading “rides” and the other reading “vacation.” We guess he thought he could phone it in and we’d fill in the blanks, which is honestly kind of true. What are we going to do, not publish a list of staycation ideas by a famous actor from one of the most successful film franchises of all time? So, yeah, pack your things and enjoy a “staycation” in the happiest place on Earth, we guess. Elijah did also include this crude illustration if that helps sell you on the idea:

5. Make a fort.

Again, it seems like Elijah was a little burnt out by this point, but he clearly wanted us to end strong with his idea that people make a fun fort in their living room. He wrote “**EMPHASIZE FAMILY FUN POTENTIAL**” in bold 72 point font under the heading, probably not realizing or maybe not caring that families are not a major audience for our website. It’s a fine idea, albeit one we could’ve come up with ourselves, but we nonetheless appreciate his effort and how earnest he is in wanting people to have nice staycations. At the end of his email, he wrote “hope this helps keep the site running! XOXO ‘Lijah,” which was very sweet. Thanks, Elijah, and feel free to send us staycation ideas whenever you’d like.