1. Sea Lamprey (Petromyzon marinus)

One thing I noticed as soon as I walked into Lael’s house was that the place is absolutely full of sea lamprey. Sea lamprey are huge, gross parasitic worms that are native to some lakes in the northeastern United States. Lael’s place is in Pasadena, California, but for some reason there were sea lamprey writhing on the floor and swimming around solo in individual glasses of water and Prosecco scattered throughout the house. Trying to ignore them, I handed Maya my baby shower gift, which was a football autographed by horror writer Stephen King. Maya said, “What is my baby supposed to do with this?” and I said, “Look at it and think about football and monsters.”

2. Cypress Aphid (Cinara cupressi)

Apparently a giant population of cypress aphids made its way from some nearby trees directly into Maya’s baby shower. These things are absolutely everywhere. They’re flying around and getting in people’s eyeballs. We were playing that baby shower game where you open your mouth as wide as you can and whoever has the biggest mouth size has to give the baby its first haircut, and the whole time all these bugs kept flying in there. We couldn’t measure anyone’s mouths and so now the baby’s just going to never get its first haircut from anyone. Maya said, “You have all failed me and my future calf,” and Lael said, “It’s not our fault. We can’t play the game because of the aphids,” and Maya said, “That’s your explanation for everything, Lael. It’s always the aphids with you.”

3. Prussian Carp (Carassius gibelio)

It’s pretty much impossible to take a single step in this house without smushing a Prussian carp that’s flopping around on the floor. There are also several dozen swimming in Lael’s toilet. Maya keeps asking Lael to “sweep up the fish” and Lael keeps saying, “That is not my job. My job is to feel amazing every day.” At one point Maya said, “These fish are going to foul up my future calf,” so Lael groaned and said, “Fine I’ll take care of the fish,” and left her house carrying a big net.

4. Siberian Weasel (Mustela sibirica)

A few minutes later, Lael came back into the house with her big net filled with Siberian weasels. She said to Maya, “These losers will eat the fish you hate so much, your majesty” and she let the Siberian weasels loose in the house. Now the house is filled with Siberian weasels and it doesn’t really seem like they’re doing a great job controlling the Prussian carp population. I guess they’re eating some of them, but they’re mostly eating all the baby-themed snacks we put out for Maya, including her cake. They’re also eating some of the species native to Lael’s house, like the cobras and the foxes. Now Maya is complaining that there aren’t enough cobras at her baby shower, and the Siberian weasel population has basically tripled in the past hour. The whole thing is becoming a big mess.

5. Hippopotamus (Hippopotamus amphibius)

On top of all the other tribulations, there is a gigantic hippopotamus walking around Maya’s baby shower biting people and smelling bad and causing difficulties for everyone. Maya keeps muttering, “My future calf better be twice that big,” and when Lael tried to chase the hippo out of the house with a broom Maya told her to let it stay because “I can feel the hippo’s breath turning my future calf into a genius.” So the hippo isn’t supposed to be here, but we’re letting it stay, and it’s stomping around smushing all the carp and sea lampreys, and the weasels are dying and the aphids are eating the weasels and basically Maya’s baby shower is a huge headache for everyone involved. But as long as Maya’s having a good time, that’s all that matters.

But as Jesse Eisenberg turned out the door, he heard his roommate Chipmunk squeal in distress.

Jesse Eisenberg sighed. There was always some kind of problem with Chipmunk: underpaid taxes, delayed biopsy results, the various complications that arise from poor reading comprehension. Jesse Eisenberg turned back into the apartment.

“Everything okay, Chipmunk?”

Chipmunk darted out from his burrow inside a kitchen cabinet and began sprinting around the combination kitchen/living room/bedroom. The apartment was a junior one-bedroom, more of a studio, really, which was plenty of space for a 5’7” man and a five-inch rodent.

Chipmunk ran between the couch cushions, shrieking, “WHERE THE CRAP IS IT!!!??!”

“Where is what, Chipmunk?” Jesse Eisenberg said as he realized this ordeal was definitely going to make him late for work. “Use the vocab words we’ve been working on.”

“Where the AUDACIOUS is my acorn?!?!?!?!!!!” Chipmunk shouted.

“Not what ‘audacious’ means,” Jesse Eisenberg said.

“MY ACORN! Are you even hearing me, Jesse Eisenberg?” Chipmunk shouted. “MY ACORN IS MISSING!”

“Your acorn?” Jesse Eisenberg asked.

“I SAID IT! I SAID YOU WEREN’T LISTENING, JESSE EISENBERG!”

Chipmunk’s “acorn” was a completely normal acorn he’d found in Central Park the previous fall. In the time since, he’d grown deeply attached to it, and because it was summer, there were no new acorns with which to replace it. Jesse Eisenberg suspected the acorn functioned as both a surrogate mother and child for Chipmunk, though Jesse Eisenberg had only finished half of the requirements in his psychology BA program at Hunter College.

“Why don’t you check your burrow?” Jesse Eisenberg suggested. “The last time your acorn was missing, remember where it was? Your burrow.”

“I already checked my burrow, Jesse Eisenberg! It’s not there!”

Jesse Eisenberg struggled to believe this was true, but as he bent down and sorted through the mess of twigs and leaves under the sink, he had to admit that Chipmunk was right.

“Told ya,” Chipmunk said. “SO WHERE THE CRAP IS IT!?!?!?!!?”

Chipmunk started sprinting around the room again, this time leaving a trail of scat behind him.

“Oh God, Chipmunk!” Jesse Eisenberg said.

“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M SORRY,” Chipmunk cried. “I’M DISTRESSED! YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I’M DISTRESSED.”

“Let’s get you outside.”

While Chipmunk released the rest of his scat directly onto the sidewalk—which Jesse Eisenberg knew was only a marginally better place for it than inside his own apartment—Jesse Eisenberg texted his boss.

Jesse Eisenberg: hey man gonna be late today. Having roommate issues. Many apologies

Amin (BOSS): all good brother

Jesse Eisenberg: 

Together, Jesse Eisenberg and Chipmunk took off toward the Times Square M&M’s store—the last place Chipmunk could remember having his acorn. They’d gone yesterday for some blue M&M’s, as it had been Chipmunk’s night to cook and he had chosen to make blue M&M’s stew.

“I won’t be able to sleep tonight without my acorn,” Chipmunk said. “I need to hold it in my hands.”

“But if you left it at M&M’s World yesterday, that means you already did sleep without your acorn.”

Chipmunk refused to acknowledge this reality. “I can’t sleep unless I have my acorn.”

But things at the M&M’s store didn’t go so well. Chipmunk was quickly escorted outside by security after he jumped inside the vat of blue M&M’s, and to add insult to injury, he wasn’t even given one of the complimentary fun size packs of M&M’s on his way out.

On the street, Chipmunk began to cry. “Now I’ll never be able to fall asleep! I couldn’t be more audacious right now!”

Jesse Eisenberg sighed. “Not what that word means.”

They walked back uptown in silence, until Chipmunk looked up at him sheepishly.

“I need a few more days on rent.”

Jesse Eisenberg nodded. “That’s okay,” he said. Chipmunk had never once paid him rent, but whenever a new month began, he’d claim he was still getting the money together as though he always paid his share. All of it was okay with Jesse Eisenberg, who had quietly formed an agreement with Chipmunk’s mother that Chipmunk would stay with Jesse Eisenberg for free while she straightened herself out at the methadone clinic.

Suddenly, Jesse Eisenberg got a text.

Amin (BOSS): hey u gonna make it in?

Jesse Eisenberg: Sorry. Dont think so. Need to console chipmunk

Amin (BOSS): ??

Jesse Eisenberg: *Roommate

Jesse Eisenberg: Damn autocorrect

For various reasons, Jesse Einseberg had chosen not to tell his co-workers that he lives with a chipmunk.

Amin (BOSS): sounds good brother

Amin (BOSS): Finally saw Adventureland last night btw. HILARIOUS

As Jesse Eisenberg and Chipmunk walked along Central Park West, they passed a woman in a jacket that read “VOLUNTEER” pruning a shrub. Chipmunk stopped for a moment with a curious glint in his eye. “Maybe if I can’t have my acorn,” Chipmunk said, “I could at least have an acorn.”

Chipmunk approached the woman. “Excuse me,” he asked. “Does the park have any acorns?”

“No, not yet,” the woman replied, adding, “And we’ll have them later than ever this fall due to climate change.”

“Climate change?” Chipmunk asked as Jesse Eisenberg buried his face in his hands. Just two nights ago Jesse Eisenberg spent twenty minutes telling Chipmunk about climate change while teaching him the vocab word “emissions.”

“Climate change refers to long term shifts and weather patterns, primarily as a result of the burning of fossil fuels,” said the woman.

“WHAT?” shouted Chipmunk. “I have to wait MONTHS for another acorn?!! ALL BECAUSE OF STUPID CLIMATE CHANGE?”

“Climate change is not stupid,” said the woman. “It’s awesome! Fewer winter deaths, higher temperatures to support oil drilling, and a warming, rising ocean—can anyone say BEACH PARTY?”

“Whoa!” exclaimed Chipmunk. “So it’s actually really cool that I can’t get another acorn for three more months, even though this region would typically have acorns by now?”

“Yes,” said the woman. “It’s really, really cool!”

“But what if I can’t sleep without my acorn?”

“You’re how old? Three years, four?”

“Three.”

“Then you need to grow up. You’re fine. Be audacious.”

“Audacious,” said Chipmunk. “Yes.”

And although Jesse Eisenberg was going to have to do some serious work to try to explain to Chipmunk that climate change is not good, not good at all, he couldn’t help but smile. Chipmunk really was audacious.

Together, Chipmunk and Jesse Eisenberg returned to their junior one-bedroom, where Chipmunk proceeded to sleep through the night without his acorn.

The end.

Don’t panic. Here’s how to proceed.

1. Take photos for insurance purposes

If your phone is within reach, take as many photos of you, your dead doctor, and your doctor’s fingers in your anus as you can. Close-ups and wides. There’s a chance an incident like this could cause your health insurance premiums to skyrocket. Photo evidence may not help your case with a healthcare provider, but it can’t hurt to have on hand.

2. Shout for help

Yell “Help!” or a phrase with a similar sentiment until a staff member from the urologist’s office or a passerby outside hears your plea and enters the room. Congratulations: Now you not only have a witness, but also someone to assist you throughout the next steps.

3. Don’t allow anyone to remove the doctor’s fingers from your anus until the police arrive and confirm your anus doesn’t contain anything that could make you liable for the doctor’s death

Call 911, but do not let anyone touch the doctor’s body, the doctor’s fingers, or your anus until the police have arrived and explicitly cleared you of wrongdoing. The office’s staff may become emotional after seeing their employer’s corpse positioned in such a uniquely upsetting way, but remind them it’s for everyone’s good that the police handle things at this stage.

4. Stay hydrated

Ask the urologist’s staff for water while you wait for the police to arrive.

5. Inform the urologist’s family of their loved one’s death

In most cases, the family of a urologist who died with two fingers knuckle-deep in a patient’s anus will want to learn about it from the patient, not the news. Be tactful, of course, but also let them know that the tragedy was not your fault. 

6. Once the police arrive, deflect responsibility, then assign and/or suggest blame

Make sure the police hear you say, “I literally didn’t do anything but have my prostate examined,” and, “The urologist looked a little overweight—this kind of thing happens to people who don’t take care of themselves.” For the moment, their attention will likely be focused on the sight of you on all fours with a dead man’s fingers clutched in your anus, but planting the seed of your innocence now will help steer their investigation later.

7. Get ahead of the media narrative by calling a newspaper and offering them the scoop on the story in exchange for their portraying you in a good light

Innocent Man Merely Seeking Confirmation Of Prostate’s Cancerlessness Has Anus Turned Into Urologist’s Tomb—that’s the kind of PR that will get the entire country on your side (and maybe even film studios interested in buying the rights of your story) if your situation blows up into a national news item. The $200 you give to a New York Times reporter to convince them to spin the story this way could pay dividends.

8. Request a referral for a new urologist before leaving

Remember, you’re only in this situation because you were proactive about your prostate’s well-being. It’s sad to confront the idea that you’ll be moving on from this urology practice, especially after an EMT pulled your dead doctor’s fingers out of your anus just minutes ago, but that’s the reality of the situation. No one can blame you for stopping by the front desk on your way out to ask the secretary if they know of any urologists in your healthcare network who are accepting new clients at the moment. Your health remains the priority here, and your late urologist, as well as their grieving staff, would probably agree.

1. ‘Cause I like the sewer! 

Mhm! I like the sewer very much, in fact! Sewer living’s good living. Simple living. The bustle, hooplah, and excess of aboveground are non-factors down here. In the sewer, you always know what you’re getting: Pipe, wet, and darkness for miles! Yup, consistency’s the name of the game in the gutter world! The simplicity of the sewer has done wonders for my peace of mind—after all, what does a man need in this life aside from big quiet pipes, a cool gutter breeze, and the echo of his own chuckle bouncing off endless tubes of damp concrete? Nothing! No sir, I do not miss the distractions of life above. Once I got a taste of sewer living, I kicked myself for not setting up shop down in a manhole sooner! Good luck getting me out!

2. ‘Cause the sewer’s free!

Rent? Mortgage? Taxes? These are foreign concepts in the sewer! Back in my aboveground years, money seemed to rule just about every part of my life. I’d seen hard times, bad times, and worse times, and I never could tell which of ‘em was waiting around the corner to prolong my struggles. In the sewer, it’s just sewer times. No landlord, debt collectors, or I.R.S. reaching in my pocket, no sir. Settling in the drain pipes beneath society has not cost me one dime! If you’re willing to work for it, like I am, the sewer life can be one of abundance—the wastewater is free, the critters are catchable, and you keep what you earn! Every morsel! Now, how much are you forking over to Uncle Sam every payday? And you ask me why I don’t wanna come out the sewer! I have to laugh! The real question is why aren’t you crawling down in the gutter too? The sewer runoff is warm, friend…

3. ‘Cause I can be myself in the sewer!

The personal freedoms that come with sewer life are infinite! I wake up when I want. I do not wear clothes if I do not feel like it. I cause a ruckus at any hour I please, for as long as I please – yup, while you were working your 9-to-5 yesterday, I was having the time of my life hollering, smacking my belly, and running around with cats and rats in a gutter network the size of a damn city! That’s a realized man for you! C’mon now, you really think I could ever go back to obeying social norms after feeling as alive as I have below?! Be sensible! Life in the sewer is one big lunch break, and proverbially speaking, I do not intend to clock back in! Not ever!

4. ‘Cause ain’t nothing hassles you in the sewer besides the sewage, which ain’t even that bad!

The sewer is as sheltered from modern commotions as it gets! No boss on my case. No children making mischief. No spam phone calls interrupting my meals. Not even the sun itself can make problems for me down here. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But the sewage!” Yeah, and what about it?! I’ve been directly exposed to enough sewage for enough time to know it’s fine! Sure, it makes it hard to breathe and I get itchy, but there’s plenty worse than raw sewage aboveground (war, thieves, famine, being betrayed by a friend) and that’s a tradeoff I’m beyond willing to make! I will not so much as entertain leaving the sewer. Get over it!

5. ‘Cause I’m stuck, as I cannot manage to squeeze back up through the manhole I crawled down into the sewer through even if I wanted to—which I DON’T! 

The day I crawled down into the sewer, it was only outta curiosity. I did not intend to stay. However, the choice was made for me when I realized my shoulders could not pass through the manhole opening that I’d slipped in through. At first, I was scared, but soon came to realize it was a blessing in disguise, after understanding how much the sewer is the place to be. My cries for “Help!” became cries of “Whoopee,” for I knew the gutter was my home sweet home. Yup, you can call up every emergency rescue squad in the whole damn country, but they ain’t getting me outta this sewer as a matter of physical possibility, and especially not as a matter of my own willingness. Yessir, you heard it from me. I’m in the sewer for good – accept it, or kiss my butt!

It may sound too scary to be true, but I have proof. Here are five ways men were more like men when they were men.

1. Men Used To Be The Size Of Big Men And Now They Are The Size Of Smaller Men

You go back to the good old days of long ago, and you’ll find yourself in an era when men were man-sized men who were the size of men being men. I remember one of the most manly men I’ve ever heard of, it was a guy named Gigantic. His name was Gigantic because he was huge. Gigantic was a man who used to be so huge that he needed a million sons just to marry a single wife. Gigantic was the biggest man in the world, but back then that made him the smallest man in the world, because men were so big that all the men who were men were bigger men than the biggest man in the world. I can’t believe how big the men were back when men were men.

These days, men are not the size of men when men were men. They are the size of a smaller man who would not deserve to be named Gigantic. The men today have names like Medium T-Shirt and Regular Smile. They are tiny men who don’t even block out the sun. It’s sad to see.

2. Men Used To Use Their Hands To Strangle Lions And Now They Use Their Hands To Wave Hello To Nerds

When was the last time a thousand lions ate everyone you ever knew? If your answer was, “Not recently,” then that is because back in the days when men were men, men would use their manliness to act like men and strangle lions with their hands. Back then, every time you looked at a man, you’d see a man killing a lion in the manner of men who were men. It was an amazing time to be a man and it was an amazing time for men who wanted to see men be men. It was a terrible time to be a lion and it was an amazing time to be a snake.

These days, men are not men, especially the men. The men today don’t use their hands to kill lions. All the lions are dead and none of the men today strangle lions because all the lions were killed by men back when men were men. That’s why there are so many lions running around these days. Now men are not like men. They don’t use their hands to kill lions. They use their hands to wave hello to nerds like Devin. Devin is a poindexter and an egghead and he uses his computer to watch videos. The men who were men back when men were men would never wave hello to Devin, and yet these days every man waves hello to Devin (and other nerds). It is a travesty.

3. Men Used To Yell Scary Words And Now They Yell Boring Words

In the amazing past, when men were men, men would be men by yelling manly words that were scary and only fit for men to hear. I used to remember a man named Wind and he would meet up with a bunch of men who were men and yell man words like “Muscles” and “Mystery” and “Uh-Oh.” They would stand in the deserts and the prairies, screaming these scary words into the sky and nobody got afraid because they were men being men.

Nowthesedays, men don’t yell the same scary man words men screamed at men when men were men in the days of men (back when men were men). Men these days hide under their own beds and scream words like “Berries” and “Thank You”. These words are so boring. They are not the words men should be screaming. Men who were men in the days of men would never let this sort of disgraceful behavior fly.

4. Men Used To Have Beards And Now They Have Glasses

If you went back in time just three or four eons ago, you’d be in a golden age for men, when men who were men had beards. I used to know a story about a man named Ultimate Suzuki who had a beard that was so long that his family had to hide from him in a hole they dug in a different country. And Ultimate Suzuki wasn’t the only man who was a man back when men were men with a beard of a man for men. It was all the men who were men who were that way with their beards, which they had for men. Even the men.

These days men do not have beards. They have glasses. They use their glasses to read unmanly words like “Bath” and “Friendly” and “Nearby.” One thing men don’t use their glasses to look at is beards, because there are no more beards anywhere. They disappeared back when men who were men stopped being men.

5. Men Used To Hammer Nails Into Raw Steaks All Day And Now They Hang Out With Devin All Day

One of the most manly things men who were men did as men back when men were men was hang out with other men in the manner of men and hammer nails into raw steaks. I once heard about a dream I had about a man named Religion who was a man among men in an age of men when men were men, and all he would do all day is get a raw steak and hammer nails into it until the sun went down. And Religion wasn’t the only man who was a man hammering nails into raw steak. The meadows and the deserts were filled with rows and rows of men all with their own personal raw steak swinging their hammers up and down in unison, driving SHARP POWERFUL NAILS right into the steak (meat).

These days, men are not as much of men as the men who were men back when men were men. Men don’t hammer nails into raw steaks anymore. Instead, men hang out with Devin. Devin is a nerd and he should not have been allowed out of his cocoon. He makes men do nerd things like look up salad recipes on the internet. It’s a devastating demonstration of the ways that men who are men in the age of now are not like men in the same way that men were men in the days of men being men (when men were men). Basically, once Devin dies men will be men again and we can go back to the days when men were men. That will be a wonderful day for men who want to be men. Men. Thank you.

The Key Players:

Aunt Catherine

Dhruv, the new assistant manager of the Towne Square Plaza HomeGoods/Marshalls

Melissa, the former assistant manager of Towne Square Plaza HomeGoods/Marshalls

The Timeline:

April 5, 2024: Aunt Catherine buys a Maidenform bra for $34.99. This is considered a Marshalls purchase. 

April 24, 2024: Melissa, who is 86 yearsold, retires from HomeGoods/Marshalls. Melissa and Aunt Catherine were good friends.

April 25, 2024: Dhruv is promoted from a HomeGoods branch 22 miles away to replace Melissa as the assistant manager.

April 30, 2024: Aunt Catherine buys a set of Halloween-themed potholders and meets Dhruv for the first time. Aunt Catherine tries to haggle the price down from $14.99 because one of the three smiling ghosts appears to be making more of a neutral face than a smile. Dhruv argues that not all of the ghosts were supposed to be smiling. Aunt Catherine argues that the non-smile is definitely the result of a manufacturing defect. Dhruv does not concede. Aunt Catherine leaves angrily, knowing that Melissa would’ve gone down to at least $12.50.

May 9th, 2024: Aunt Catherine finally tries on the bra she bought last month. Immediately, the strap snaps. 

May 10, 2024: Aunt Catherine asks for a full refund on the broken bra. Dhruv refuses, citing that the bra is no longer in sellable condition, has clearly been worn, and is over the 30-day return policy.

What Insults Did Aunt Catherine Throw At Dhruv?

• Stooge
• Hussy
• Mr. Marshall’s (condescending)

What Does Natasha Bedingfield Have To Do With It?

“Unwritten” played during both of their interactions.

Repercussions:

• Aunt Catherine will be boycotting the store until Dhruv is fired
• As a result, analysts speculate Aunt Catherine has already saved over $800 by not buying a bunch of random throw pillows or ceramic frogs or whatever each week
• Aunt Catherine has demanded no one in her inner circle—Peg, Barbara, Lucinda—shop at HomeGoods/Marshall’s until the feud is settled

Is TJ Maxx Affected?

Aunt Catherine knows that TJ Maxx is part of the same family of stores as HomeGoods/Marshalls, but because it’s located in a completely different plaza, with completely different management, it’s okay to shop there for now.

What’s The Latest?

Aunt Catherine has taken to leaving increasingly negative reviews of the store online, which means little to nothing, considering no one, not even Aunt Catherine, would ever bother to look up the reviews for a HomeGoods/Marshalls.

1. Rockabilly 

When Dad offered to take the family out for Noodles because he had “something to show us,” we weren’t quite sure what to expect. Right after Dad ordered his Chicken & Prosciutto Tortelloni with Smoked Gouda, he made a beeline for the restroom and emerged dressed in a full rockabilly outfit. Pompadour, Elvis glasses, one of those shirts that makes it look like you have tattoos…the whole nine. Dad must have expected a stronger reaction to his new look, because after about five minutes he returned to the restroom and reemerged dressed in the ill-fitting khakis and 12-year-old Polo shirt he arrived in. Guess looking like one of the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies wasn’t for Dad after all. 

2. Rasta 

After taking a few sips of his soft drink, Dad claimed he “didn’t put in enough ice” and came back wearing a rastacap with his hair in dreads, reeking of weed. After a quick survey of the table, he apparently realized we didn’t think this was the look for him, and he claimed, “Well, now there’s too much ice,” and got up and discreetly threw the whole getup away. Thankfully, we’re pretty sure no one saw Dad dressed like this besides us and a nearby baby. 

3. Gay 

While Dad never explicitly claimed that he was going for a “gay” look with the outfit he must have had on underneath his “rasta” look, that’s our best guess as to what he was trying to evoke. Dad got up to order a second helping of Chicken & Prosciutto Tortelloni with Smoked Gouda and came back with his hair bleached blond, wearing a neon pink crop top, nipple rings, and subtle eyeshadow and lipstick. To be honest, Dad probably would look great if he were to wear what gay men actually wear, like some nice jeans and a crisp white designer shirt, but this one was almost as offensive as the rasta one, and Dad was soon wiping his makeup off with his Noodles napkin and spit. 

4. Bodybuilder 

Dad’s not in very good shape, but that didn’t stop him from trying out a “bodybuilder” persona during our trip to Noodles. He must have tried doing some push ups in the bathroom to get pumped up because he came out wheezing, covered in self tanner, and wearing one of those stringer tank tops with a barbell on it. He must have realized this wasn’t the vibe for him pretty fast, because he mumbled a few words about “carbing up” while eating his Noodles before saying, “I gotta take another shit,” and heading back into the bathroom to change yet again.

5. Cowboy 

We’ve gotta say, out of all of the vibes Dad tried out at Noodles and Company, his “cowboy”look was actually the most fitting. The cowboy hat, boots, spurs, and brown leather vest he donned in the Noodles bathroom actually isn’t a bad look for a paunchy middle-aged guy like Dad, but the problem was it just didn’t look right with all the self tanner still on him from his “bodybuilder” look and his hair still bleached blonde from his “gay” look. Dad’s confidence was actually really high with this one, and he probably would have stuck with this as his new vibe had some teenagers who walked into the restaurant not flat-out laughed in his face the second they saw what he was wearing.

6. Punk/Edgy

It’s pretty clear Dad has no idea what punk rock is, but that didn’t stop him from trying this look out at Noodles as a last ditch effort to find his new vibe. It sort of looked like an outfit a punk rocker character in the background of an ‘80s TV show would wear (red mohawk, denim vest, lightning bolt earring) mixed with Dad’s own “edgy” flourishes (a t-shirt with a mummy on it, studded leather phone case on his belt). Look Dad, we all agree it’s time for you to find a new vibe, but let’s just focus on enjoying our Noodles & Company here. How about you call it a day for now and try out a Brooklyn art student or anime fan look next time we hit TGI Friday’s?